In and Out

 

Everyday, in and out. 

Get up, shower the weary feelings away, keep going.

Trudge to class, pry your eyes open, keep going.

Do your work, fulfill your responsibilities, keep going. 

Always, keep going.

 

But sometimes I don’t want to.

I don’t want to spend endless hours in the same chair.

I don’t want to deal with the failures thrown in my face.

I don’t want to find the strength to keep going. 

Sometimes, I just don’t.

 

You say it’ll all be worth it.

You say if you don’t push onwards it’ll turn to regret.. 

You say this is who you are. 

But is this who you want to be?

 

Life is hard, but I feel weak.

That’s the thought that always prevails.

Your dad always says you can do anything you put your mind to. 

Anything?

 

​

 

I wanted it to be over so badly; but that would be too easy

Hours turned into days in the makeshift office of the cramped laundry room 

Turmoil seeping through my veins as the date inched closer

What was the point?

 

9 am. Scores released.

I tumble out of bed, stumbling my way to the computer

The page loads, anticipation striking with every heartbeat

Then, the hit. 

 

I spend endless amounts of time studying, working, watching life pass me by.

People fall under the illusion that I am driven.

Little do they know that I am just a coward,

Too scared of what will happen if I stop.

 

I know, everyone fails.

It’s the courage to continue that counts says Churchill

But I can’t let go of the sting

I can’t let go of the hit

 

​

 

It’s all a mindset, I say

If you believe you are fine, its fine I say

So I continue on, a smile plastered on my face,

With a pang of ache following my steps each and every way.

 

I let my feet guide me, they know better than I do.

They take me through the bustle of Kerrytown,

Down the hill to my old house of comfort,

To the once familiar bench of my past where I set down,

And sit still.

 

It’s true, there’s peace in the quiet.

Though it’s hard to leave behind the hustle I know so well,

To set aside the clamor that swallows me whole,

As I sit on the bench, staring into the unusual silence,

Just for a moment, I feel at ease.

Just for a moment, it’s enough.

 

​

 

Eventually,

The realization finally settles in;

You did what you could.

It happened, 

It’s over.

 

People say it’s the failure that kills,

I say getting back up is where the true torment lies.

Overcoming the fears,

Rebuilding the self,

Neither is an easy feat.

 

But what can you do

Sit and wallow on rinse and repeat?

No, you keep going.

It’ll all be worth it one day.

You have to believe that.